Everybody jumps from the sound of a shotgun. And apart from that bizkit tune caught in my head another turn of phrase has been bothering me of late. This ones more annoying then that thing that people do that annoys me. What's that thing?

So I'm talking to this bloke the other day at work, as you do. Talking shit as one would. "Its a sunny day and my shoes is itchy" and stuff. And we get into discussion about random topic which raises a polite argument on topic. Topical argument back and forth. And he says,

"Mate, I know you better then you know yourself."

Now.

This is one of those statements that should be forever be removed from the public lexicon. Just to assume that you know someone better then they would know themselfs is selfish. And to say it to a person directly is threatening, its implying the person has a problem and is weak. To truly ask yourself, nobody honestly knows the person they show to the outside world, outside there own persona.

So why would this young fellow know who the fuck I am and say that during random topic?

I picked up a nearby shovel and looked at him in a intentionally weird way. I put the shovel up to my ear and loudly whispered so he could hear "What's that Eric the anorexic shovel? You wanna dig a hole for an oxygen thief? Bignoting oxygen thief you add? Yes, that's funny in a broomish sort of way Eric, you spirographic dishwasher" then started laughing in an evil growl.

The way that actors do in movies, when you see a person move away ever so slowly then run. That's what he did. He wont speak to me again at work but fuck it, it was just a laugh.
I would never do anything horrible like that. I don't believe in Eric the anorexic shovel, let alone think that inanimate garden and household tools can talk. But I did prove a point to him. He doesn't know me better than i know myself, otherwise he wouldn't have run away like a little girl.

Suddenly i remember that thing that annoys me. Its when people whom I've just met in this world who are no ones to me, walk up and say 'I know you better then you know yourself' then gloat. Have these morons got a fucking brain haemorrhage?

If you walked up to someone and said hello, punched them in the face then extended your hand out for a shake, do you think the person would accept the handshake?

Major news outlets have been reporting that the 'war' on drugs has failed in Australia. Many spectators believe the current government have no idea where to start 'fighting' the war on a defenceless unarmed drug such as panadol or meth amphetamine. It has been revealed that 99 % of all Australians are on drugs at any one time. Ironically in this case the 1%'ers are doing the right thing.

Many people are too high or prescribed up to worry about some fight over drugs 'our betters' having been raging over for centuries. For there has been a much different threat far worse than pushing a dirty needle into your arm and contracting hepatitis c or eating macdonalds.


Rugs and rug addiction disorder is an undiscussed topic in most Australian homes. Lately the high profile celebrity Kerry Anne Kennerley was featured in an article by 'Today Tonight' discussing her rug addiction in public, showing rooms full of exotic handmade rugs collected over the years. She quoted in the report "Rug addict's are usually middle to upper class common females with more money than sense. And watch my new show, whatever it may be."

Soon after the interview many rug addict's decided to come out of the underneath of the rug, so to speak. 1nsane urine soaked man on park bench news reporters were contacted by rug addict Tara Johns, a rug addict from Sydney, willing to tell her story.

"I started buying rugs back when some bizarre Persian man pressured me into it, at his shop. It was a quarter size handsown toilet throw with a beautiful presentation of pattern. Paid $100 for it when it was only worth about $70. I got home and enjoyed the feel of the rug. I curled there next to the toilet on the rug just loving the sensation of it."

Mrs Johns continues "After that I couldn't stop. I went store to store buying rugs everywhere. When all the rug stores went into liquidation because of the global financial crisis I had to buy my rugs in the back alley. I once got hit in the stomach with a baseball bat by an Indian rug salesman because I was in credit with with my rugs. It really cleared my blocked colon but I still had to pay."

After some intervention by reports Tara is now with the group 'rugs anonymous' participating in the twelve-hundred step program to rebuild her shattered life from rug addiction. She vowed to get back at the people who caused this affliction.

Reporters tracked down a rug salesman behind a disused warehouse in an industrial area. Standing next to a black van with no number plates, he asked what rugs we would like. The interior was jammed full of quality handmade rugs at extremely cheap prices. Asking the rug dealer if he knew the misery his buyers were going through he replied in broken english "I don't care. I'm just trying to compete in a rug world market. Its not my problem if some weak people get attached to buying rugs. There are rugs everywhere."

The war on rugs has even made it into parliament. In a bold move the current government has created the newly formed organization 'Ariel Rug Surveillance Ensemble' or ARSE. They intend to use unmanned drones to fly over known rug selling hotspots in an attempt to capture the rug dealers.
There is also discussion on a new public initiative called 'drugs for rugs'. People can hand in there rugs at any police station in exchange for illicit drugs. Although the plan has marginal support, many people believe it would all be just too confusing.

The original iPad with its sussix 'i' in front of it apparently became a worldwide sensation. With sales above the hundreds apple decided to create a sort of better one. The company released an iPad 2. This newer machine was thinner and had a high def camera on the back that was really low def. It also was a worldwide sensation with another bunch of happy iPad 1 customers buying up. Everyone enjoys its touchscreeneness and apps and home button.

Then one of the original apple founders, Steve Jobs, died. God rest. Apple pissed off the Microsoft establishment, and visa visa. Greatly entertaining.
So what happens then. Apple release an iPad 3 err.. two and a half. A slightly better screen, new iOS rewrite and a major problem. Even Steve would have the shits.

Todays dodgy product review is the iPad two and a half. Not mentioning black box technology on iOS5.1, a weaker battery and a screen that still isn't properly designed for watching anything high def, the iPad 2.5 has really fucked up with its '4G claim' in Australia.

To show how real the situation has become recently a Government funded organization, the Australian competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) filed a lawsuit with a real court because the 4G connection in these new iPads is not compatible with Australia's wireless network. Apple have been advertising that it is compatible. But it isn't.

People were believing this bullshit. Then went and spent money on some device that doesn't do what its suppose to do. Why would the makers of a worldwide successful device overlook such an obvious flaw?
And it sounds like it is a hardwired thing, if apple cant make a software patch. I dunno really.

So yet again another behemoth in electronics creates a faulty gizmo for the masses based on the popularity of the last. Look up 'Virtualboy' by Nintendo for another example. By the way before you complain, I hate windows equally as much too. Have you seen the beta of windows 8? I reckon the GUI is going to piss a lot of people off.

Its getting fucking cold, isnt it?

©Scumpy 21024042745